It’s that time of year again. Back to school. When parents all over the country, list in hand, ambush the stores in search of the perfect school supplies. Red, plastic, 8x12 pronged folder with pockets, green wide-ruled five-subject spiral notebook. Every subject has a specific pencil, every class a unique pen. But somehow those itemized lists never seem to apply to my son. Just seeing the word “Elmers” used to get me unglued, the word “ball point” would start me balling, and the word “scissors” would cut me to my very core. The only thing that seemed remotely useful was the mandatory box of Kleenex tissues to wipe away the tears, so I always bought an extra for my own supply closet.
After years of suffering in silence, I’ve put together my own, more functional list for kids with special needs, their families and the staff who “just don’t get them”.
Downward spiral notebook - a handy place for teachers and therapists to record a student’s regression and lack of progress.
Nap sack - a book bag which conveniently doubles as a cushion to be used by staff as a pillow when they’ve fallen asleep on the job.
Miscalculator - a battery-operated problem-solving device for staff with very low expectations.
Number twenty-two pencil - a writing tool used by special needs children who are not the school’s number one priority.
Moral compass - an instrument that should be used by school staff to measure their degree of guilt and irresponsibility when they are not doing what’s best for their students with special needs.
Organ-izer - a place to put a heart after the school system has ripped it out of a parent's chest.
Three-ring circus notebook - a binder used to display a student’s laughable work product.
Right-out - a bottle of liquid paper used to cover up a child’s legal rights.
Bull point pen - a writing tool used by staff to keep parents apprised of how “well” their child is supposedly doing at school.
Destruction paper - colorful paper used to pass off art projects made by an aid as a child’s own.
Eleven-inch ruler - a straight-edged instrument used with students that staff think don’t measure up.
Hanging files - a place where biased evaluations are kept until they can be compiled and used to hang a child out to dry.
Mask-on tape - a roll of adhesive strips used to cover the smirks on school staff members’ faces when professing their committment to your child’s education.
Pest-it notes - yellow sticky-back slips of paper that can be attached to notebooks and letters of detention on which can be written what a pest your child is at school.
Subjective dividers - Deep-seated misconceptions and beliefs housed inside the minds of ignorant school staff and administrators that separate children with special needs from their neurotypical peers.
Scruple remover - a device not needed by many school employees, as most of their scruples have already been removed.
Make-up-their-own-ruled paper - sheets on which school staff explain why they can’t accomodate your child, usually starting with ”that’s the way we’ve always done it.”
Lead balloon pencil - tool used to write things about a child that don’t go over real well with the parents.
Low lighters - transparent markers used to emphasize the low points in your child’s academic career.
Never let ‘em see you sweatshirt - Mandatory parent dress code at all IEP meetings !
Lori, as always, your humor hits the mark! Very creative! Thanks for taking a bit of the sting out of the start of the school year!
Posted by: Sandy Alperstein | August 12, 2006 at 10:54 AM
Being an educator and on the opposite side of the table, what an eye-opener! I didn't know just how much tension and anxiety surrounds an IEP. This article made me want to be even more open and friendly when working with the parents of special-needs children. They have so much on their plate! Cooperation and constant (truthful) communication between all parties seems to be a reoccurring issue. Learning more in my masters class about the IEP process and our special ed personnel, I have to say that I don't envy them at all. Between the laws, forms, and procedures, I'm amazed at the amount of responsibility put on a 4-year college student. I could use another year of just sped training! Thanks to all of the special education personnel, and thanks to patient parents! I know meetings can't always go like clockwork, but hopefully (with the help of articles like these) we can have more compassion and understanding to make the process helpful and about education.
CMC - Sherrard Cohort
Posted by: | February 05, 2007 at 01:16 PM
A brilliant article! Issues mentioned with a twist. I loved it!!
Posted by: Timothy Jones | June 05, 2007 at 01:48 AM
This was cute:) Does anyone have a real list we can use as a first time parent trying to prepare a special needs child for Kindergarten?
Posted by: Michelle | July 16, 2007 at 08:08 PM
This is a very nice site
Posted by: School Supply Store | October 26, 2007 at 12:01 AM